Singapore Spurs Supporters' Club

I don't know what exact moment it was when Manchester United visited White Hart Lane. I remember they were swarming all over our back four like like Hitler's tank battalions through Poland. By that time, I was already numb inside from watching us lob balls to Crouch with such desperation that it looked like nine lifeguards throwing life rings to a drowning man.

It was around that time when I had been delivered to the purgatory of my sentience by the attacking verve of my beloved Lilywhites when I saw the ball go across the top of the Spurs penalty area with our defenders desperately moving about in anticipation. I saw Jenas standing three yards from the ball and I saw him standing and standing and he kept standing. It was at that time that I started thinking of....

Fifteen ways to painfully get rid of Jermaine Jenas

1. Sell him to Ipswich under Roy Keane.
2. Marry him off to the daughter of any Russian gangster whose nickname is "the axe" and secretly start mixing viagra in his vodka.
3. Tell him Harry's new diet plan calls for three meals from a Padang restaurant a day.
4. Get him to score an own goal in the FA Cup final match between Arsenal and Spurs in the 95th minute with the score level at 5-5.
5. Tie him up and hang him from the crossbar and have Tom Huddlestone take practice shots at him from 5 yards.
6. Put Bose sound cancelling headphones on him and make him listen to Harry Redknapp say "triffic" ten thousand times on the highest volume.
7. Have him rent a house from David Levy and personally negotiate with him.
8. Drown him in a tub of David Bentley's hair gel.
9. Send him to a West Ham fan club meeting with a shirt that says "Zola is a midget".
10. Make him a Tottenham good will participator in the Afghanistan marathon that goes around the south of the country.
11. Get him to kiss Wayne Rooney's girlfriend at the annual Man U Christmas party. Wait till Rooney has had at least eight drinks.
12. Have him get dropped home in Defoe's Land Rover without his seat belt on every day after practice.
13. Tell him that swine flu increases endurance.
14. When Robbie Keane does not start his first game for Tottenham, go to him and tell him that Rafa Benitez is a great coach.
15. Get an "I love Berbatov" tattoo on his ass and moon the White Hart Lane crowd when he is an unused substitute.